#PASSION: HOW TO HAVE BETTER SEX – IN CONVERSATION WITH SEXOLOGIST CHANTELLE OTTEN

#PASSION: HOW TO HAVE BETTER SEX – IN CONVERSATION WITH SEXOLOGIST CHANTELLE OTTEN

Interview by Benjamin Schiffer
Artwork by Salman Toor

According to a survey by dating platform Parship in 2023, only every second person is satisfied with their love life. The results of a study conducted by the Bumble dating app in the same year are even more dramatic: Only 14 percent of Germans are satisfied with their sex life. That means 86 percent – more than eight out of ten people – are not. The reality: Almost no one is satisfied with what’s going on in their beds. Have we forgotten how to have good sex? And what makes the supposedly good an actual good? In conversation with sexologist Chantelle Otten, we learn about her role as a sexologist, the most prevalent issues in bed, and five tips on a more fulfilling and passionate sex life.

Benjamin Schiffer: Chantelle, how did you become a sexologist? Tell us more about your professional journey. What inspired you?

Chantelle Otten: My path to becoming a sexologist was deeply influenced by my passion for understanding human behavior and relationships. Growing up with a Dutch background and spending time in Holland, where conversations about sex, pleasure and relationships are open and not taboo – Australia is more conservative – and going to Catholic schools greatly shaped my approach. I pursued a Bachelor in Psychological Science and a Masters in Science Medicine, specializing in Sexual Health/Psychosexual Therapy from the University of Sydney. My move to Amsterdam was really important in the journey to becoming a confident sexologist as I had a wonderful mentor, Dr. Ingrid Pinas. I was immersing myself in an environment where Sexology was more liberated. After gaining international experience, I returned to Australia and established my own clinic, driven by a desire to educate and empower individuals about sexual health in a judgment-free environment.

Who are the kind of people that consult you?

My practice welcomes a diverse range of clients from various backgrounds, ages and sexual orientations. I offer an inclusive space for all genders, orientations and identities. Whether it’s couples seeking to enhance intimacy or individuals exploring sexual identity, my clientele is broad and varied. They come to me seeking guidance and support on a wide array of sexual wellbeing topics, including relationship issues, sexual dysfunction, and identity exploration.

What are their main concerns/pain points?

Clients often come with challenges like mismatched sexual desires, difficulties with sexual function, and concerns regarding self-esteem and body image. Many grapple with understanding and expressing their sexual identity. I also deal with complex issues like sexual compulsivity, paraphilias, and challenges faced by people with disabilities or those undergoing significant life changes like menopause or dealing with the effects of surgery or illness on their sexual health.

Do you ever reject certain clients? If so, why?

While I aim to help as many people as possible, there are instances where I might redirect clients because I am not the right fit for their needs. This usually happens if their needs require a specialization different from what I offer or if I believe another professional’s approach might be more beneficial for their specific situation. Ensuring clients get the most suitable and effective help is always a priority.

How do you personally define passion for yourself?

For me, passion is about living life fully and authentically, being deeply engaged in what I love, whether it’s my professional work, personal interests, or relationships. It’s about experiencing life with enthusiasm and a sense of fulfilment. As a ‘fake it till you make it’ person, I believe in embracing confidence and owning one’s unique qualities, allowing passion to naturally emanate from this authentic self-expression.

Do we become less passionate when it comes to sex?

Sexual passion can fluctuate over time, influenced by various factors like stress, relationship dynamics, and life changes. It’s natural for the intensity to vary, but maintaining open communication and putting in conscious effort can help keep the passion alive or even rekindle it in relationships.

According to a survey by dating app Bumble, only 14% are satisfied with their sex life – that’s super sobering and reassuring at the same time. What could be the reason for the rather poor result?

The sobering statistic from Bumble’s survey might be attributed to a range of issues, including inadequate communication, unmet sexual expectations, and the general pressures of modern life impacting sexual satisfaction. It’s also a reminder that many people are aware of these challenges and are seeking ways to enhance their sexual lives, indicating a desire for improvement and greater fulfilment. But, of course, there are a lot of people who are unsure how to improve their erotic lives and feel a bit lost.

Which impact could porn potentially have on this?

Viewing porn through the lens of entertainment, not education, is crucial in understanding its role in sexual satisfaction. While it offers a form of sexual expression and can be a source of enjoyment, it’s important to distinguish the entertainment aspect of porn from realistic sexual experiences. Porn often portrays a dramatized, idealized version of sex, which might not always align with real-life sexual dynamics and expectations. Acknowledging this distinction helps in appreciating porn as a form of adult entertainment without letting it set unrealistic standards for one’s sexual life. It’s about enjoying porn for what it is, while also being mindful of its limitations in terms of representing real, consensual, and intimate human sexual experiences. Balancing this perspective can contribute positively to one’s sexual satisfaction, ensuring that individuals don’t feel pressured to mirror what they see in porn in their personal sexual lives.

Interest in non-monogamous relationships is growing – almost one in eight (14%) have recently considered a non-monogamous relationship. How would you explain this development?

The rise in interest towards non-monogamous relationships reflects a broader cultural shift towards sexual and relationship diversity. In a world where traditional relationship models are continuously being reevaluated, people are increasingly exploring alternative ways of experiencing love and intimacy.

Factors contributing to this trend include a greater emphasis on personal growth, self-exploration, and the desire to experience varied emotional and sexual connections. Non-monogamous relationships challenge conventional norms and offer different perspectives on trust, communication, and the understanding of love and commitment. As society becomes more accepting of diverse sexualities and relationship structures, more individuals feel empowered to consider and potentially embrace non-monogamous arrangements.

What are your 5 tips for a more passionate sex life?

Enhancing passion in one’s sex life often involves a combination of mental, emotional and physical efforts:

Communication and Vulnerability: Having open and honest conversations about desires, fantasies and boundaries with your partner is crucial. This involves being vulnerable and creating a safe space for each other to express sexual needs without judgment.
Prioritizing Intimacy: Dedicate time and effort to cultivate intimacy. This can mean setting aside regular times for sexual encounters or engaging in activities that promote closeness and connection.
Personal Exploration: Understanding your own body and sexual responses is key. Encourage self-exploration and share these discoveries with your partner.
Embracing Novelty: Introduce new elements into your sex life, such as trying different positions, incorporating toys, or exploring new settings, to keep the excitement alive.
Emotional Connection: Strengthen the emotional bond with your partner. Sexuality is not just a physical act; it’s deeply intertwined with emotions. Building a strong emotional connection can enhance sexual experiences and deepen intimacy.
Self-Care and Stress Management: Your mental and physical health directly impact your sexual wellbeing. Engage in regular self-care practices and manage stress effectively to maintain a healthy libido and energy for sexual activities.
Educational Resources: Utilize resources like books, workshops and professional advice to continue learning about sexual health and wellbeing. Staying informed and curious can greatly enhance your sexual experiences.